One more week and I’m dead. Well not really dead, maybe just – brain dead? ^_^

I can’t believe it! My time is running out! Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines…

Lists appear again, as well as pure agitation, depression, and nervousness. Well maybe this is just some exaggeration but really, it’s not my imagination. LOL.

Things I should accomplish within the next month:

a.) Finish my Mobile App (j2ME) Project – well, I haven’t even began it yet. And I don’t even know what to do and how to start it. Any ideas?

b.) Intensive PhilNITS Review. (Should I even bother? I mean, can’t I just skip this step and … perform mouth-to-mouth resucitation on my social life?)

c.)  Two months of lesson plan preparation and teaching. And I forgot – enduring. Patience.

d.) My company project deadline is next Monday.  I really am gonna be dead.

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Thank you to ballot’s father.

To his heart-warming speech (well to me anywayz), to his kind words and for inspiring me to be strong and move forward. He invigorated me to renew my faith in God.

The past weeks weren’t easy. I lost patience, I lost confidence, and shed tears. I ran 10 flights of stairs twice a week and nearly lost my bag (containing my cellphone, credit cards and wallet). I argued with the school guard for not letting me bring my laptop out of the school (so stupid of me for not reading notices).  I studied for an exam just mere hours away. And I am blogging as if I don’t have a deadline to  catch.

I need a million hugs. Please. Hug me. *Sniff*

It’s as if someone slapped me on the face,
Drenched me in ice cold water -
Making me realize that I have to fill
this void inside me
Made me yearn for something,
I just don’t have a clue.

Then I packed my bags and bade farewell
To search for the thing I’m yearning.
I feel like a fool for being so impulsive
And I ask myself a million questions -
Why, What … Who?

I lived in torment for years and years
Nearly drowning myself in anguish
For not knowing what this I’m searching for
This one great thing that’s true -
Oh it’s tearing my heart in two!

Then I found myself kneeling
on the grass drenched with my own tears,
Asking Him the right question I’ve
been denying myself for years
“Who is it my Lord?”
Then he told me with finality-
that it is
you.

Plop plop plop
Drops…

Throwing caution into the wind
As I expose my sun-bathed face into
The sea’s heart-warming breeze
I could not help but recall
and squeeze out the memories from my heart

Now I bleed.

A martyr I realize I am for letting
Other people squeeze out those drops from me
Letting them purge out those pools of
Life from me.

Plop plop plop..

I gaze into the setting horizon of orange and grey
Letting the day die, and allowing my heart to be dragged by it
This heart’s emotions mirroring what it sees..

Then I drop.

I want a camera and a scanner. Period.

More!

Well, when I was still young, I used to doodle a lot, doodle equated to drawing. Sketching. A lot. But now, seems like the winds of time has eradicated and blown away my zest for the thing. But analyzing things, I really still have the passion, I just don’t have the time. Yeah yeah. We can always make time for such things but for hobbies, we have to allocate an even bigger time. It will not make things enjoyable if we have to hurry off and sketch the nose of some cartoon and say “I’ll finish the ears later..” or something. That would be realllllllll – Fun? Hobbies are to be equated to Fun. Who would have a hobby without enjoying it – right? Hobbies are not supposed to be there for the purpose of making money – but for the sheer feeling of enjoyment. To give you a sense of elation and happiness. To make you escape from the everyday turmoils of life. Just to … make you YOU.

I remember when I was still young, when I was still developing my skills, I had this idea of drawing my father. I always hanged out at my aunt’s store where my father sometimes managed, and so.. I got this piece of paper (thanks to the leftovers of cigarette packs – that shiny piece of paper part of the cigarette package, where the back part is “drawable”) and began to draw my father. I enjoyed it!!! My father’s assistant, ate angie, loved it. Then I was thinking – wow, I like this. Then I showed the image to my father. Then I saw his face convult into an image of – remember when that guy from the Sleepwalkers movie change into that cat look? His face transformed into that – and he told me he looked like a horse  (a horse! come on papa, that image was made out of love and passion!!!) in my masterpiece. Wow. I really was – bummed. Imagine, a horse. A horse of all things!!! OK. So then I threw the piece of paper and forgot my “talent” in drawing faces. I should stick with harmless cartooning. LOL.

About the camera – I just want to brighten this blog up. I wanted to show what I see – but then due to the incapability of my monthly salary to stay in my personal pocket, I just can’t afford one right now. So I should stick with cigarette papers and pencils. But then where’s the scanner? ^_^ I should lay off my “talent” for a while.

Warning: this is a serious entry. o_O. Don’t read if you are bored.

Have you ever done things for the sake of not hurting other people? It’s not like being “plastik” or something, you just want them to be happy. I’ve been doing that – for years. Call me a martyr – I just don’t want them hurt. I’d rather be the one who’s hurt that hurting the ones I love.

To sacrifice. The biggest gift you can give to somebody. But it is the gift that I don’t want to be given to me. Sacrifice is giving out something in exchange for another thing which maybe of greater or equal value. Like working overtime to gain additional income (physical and mental sacrifice), or deciding not to love someone because your bestfriend loves him/her already. Jesus Christ gave the ultimate sacrifice when He died for us in the cross – giving out Himself wholly – Physically, Mentally and EMOTIONALLY. Emotional sacrifice, for me, is the greatest form of sacrifice – eventually it will let you crumble physically and emotionally thereby exhausting your whole self. That’s the reason why Romeo and Juliet died (Juliet sacrificed herself for she cannot bear to live without her romeo), why Jose Rizal died (well actually he had no choice for he was bound for execution but like Christ, he died with a mission, he died because of his country), why many other people go crazy and sometimes (well most of the time) act stupid and eventually kill themselves, because they cannot bear that kind of sacrifice – the sacrifice of the heart. I don’t want others to sacrifice for me because sacrifice entails an “exchange” – and I think I am not worth that exchange. I was born not to receive but I was born to give out. I was born to sacrifice. Well I guess that is not accurate. I was born to be the sacrifice.

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I am as I am today not because this is what I want to be but I am building myself to eventually become a person who can be a big help to my family. Well, it is sort of a very convulted and confusing idea. I just want to make myself useful (thereby still a personal choice, something I want for myself) – which contradicts my first statement of building myself for the sake of others and not because of what I want for myself. Whoa!!! LOL. Very confusing. The bottomline is, if I’ve paved my own path without other factors, I’d have become a teacher in a far far elementary school in the mountains. Or I’d have become an explorer/adventurer somewhere. Or I’d have become a hippie bearing a “Save the Seas” placard or something. LOL. I just want a simple life. To achieve that simple life, I’d have to live a complex one first. The paradox of life.