Warning: this is a serious entry. o_O. Don’t read if you are bored.

Have you ever done things for the sake of not hurting other people? It’s not like being “plastik” or something, you just want them to be happy. I’ve been doing that – for years. Call me a martyr – I just don’t want them hurt. I’d rather be the one who’s hurt that hurting the ones I love.

To sacrifice. The biggest gift you can give to somebody. But it is the gift that I don’t want to be given to me. Sacrifice is giving out something in exchange for another thing which maybe of greater or equal value. Like working overtime to gain additional income (physical and mental sacrifice), or deciding not to love someone because your bestfriend loves him/her already. Jesus Christ gave the ultimate sacrifice when He died for us in the cross – giving out Himself wholly – Physically, Mentally and EMOTIONALLY. Emotional sacrifice, for me, is the greatest form of sacrifice – eventually it will let you crumble physically and emotionally thereby exhausting your whole self. That’s the reason why Romeo and Juliet died (Juliet sacrificed herself for she cannot bear to live without her romeo), why Jose Rizal died (well actually he had no choice for he was bound for execution but like Christ, he died with a mission, he died because of his country), why many other people go crazy and sometimes (well most of the time) act stupid and eventually kill themselves, because they cannot bear that kind of sacrifice – the sacrifice of the heart. I don’t want others to sacrifice for me because sacrifice entails an “exchange” – and I think I am not worth that exchange. I was born not to receive but I was born to give out. I was born to sacrifice. Well I guess that is not accurate. I was born to be the sacrifice.

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I am as I am today not because this is what I want to be but I am building myself to eventually become a person who can be a big help to my family. Well, it is sort of a very convulted and confusing idea. I just want to make myself useful (thereby still a personal choice, something I want for myself) – which contradicts my first statement of building myself for the sake of others and not because of what I want for myself. Whoa!!! LOL. Very confusing. The bottomline is, if I’ve paved my own path without other factors, I’d have become a teacher in a far far elementary school in the mountains. Or I’d have become an explorer/adventurer somewhere. Or I’d have become a hippie bearing a “Save the Seas” placard or something. LOL. I just want a simple life. To achieve that simple life, I’d have to live a complex one first. The paradox of life.